When Ashley left comments on my AIM like “lies may be ok in your family, but mine,” and “Your family can be really hard on girlfriends,” Danielle asked me if I was goign to mount a response. I told her I would not. Although I disagreed with Ashley’s contentions, I told Danielle, “I feel that no good can come of starting a flame war. It would only bring more negativity to the universe.” Yes, although you dno’t hear too many Christians speaking like that, I feel that I feel that the beliefs expounded by the practitioners of transcendental meditation do not clash with what Jesus taught with respect to “turning the other cheek and giving a man your shirt if he asked for your jacket.” I do not like to yell or be proface with the peole who are always calling my house soliciting money even though they annoy me to no end. I do not believe that we should have attacked Iraq just because Saddam was a jerk. However, there comes a point in one’s life when an affront is so hostile that, like the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, one has to put his pacifistic, philosophic point of view aside and press teh button. That’s right, the glvoes are off and the napalm is on its way. What triggered this change of heart? This attack on my family. Like the Cubans of the 1800s or the pre-WW2 Japanese, I cannot tolerate an attack upon my family’s honor.
To begin with, lies are not ok in my family. But, form the limited information I have been provided with from Ashley or Daniel, these lies were the inevitable result of stupid questions. For exampo,e Miss High-and-Mighty, have you NEVER lied when someone you cared about asked if they look good? If you mother was fat, would you tell her that to her face? I highly doubt that! Again, all I have to work with is the lmiited information you have given me, but it seems to me that the lies had to do with questions about Daniel’s past, questiosn that are the canonical examples of what not to ask your boyfriend. You never ask your boyfriend or girlfriend what they did in the past. It is inevitable that they will lie in order to protect you, whom they care about, and the honor of teh girl they were with previously. Ashley clames she was a girl and he was a man in her poem, more like she was naive! Coudl you resonably expect an 18 year old MALE not to have done things with girls? Sheeh, we were some of the least promiscuous men I have ever known and even we did quite a bit.
But, I will stop talking about things I have incomplete information about. Frankly, since no one has told me what the lies were about, I cannot comment further. However, it seems to me that he did not cheat on YOU and lie about it. It was another girl and another relationtship. Anyway, on to the other thing in my AIM message that morning before moving on to the blog post.
Yes, a family can be hard on girlfriends, but so what? If you can’t take the heat, get out of teh kitchen! You are either extremely naive or full of crap if you claim that your family did not talk about Danile. EVERY parent wants an unrealistic ideal for their children. My parents love Danielle, but there are thigns they wish were different about her. I’m sure of it because my parents LVOE ME and want me to have the BEST life. So of course they will not treat you like the princess you wish you were.
Really, the problem here is that Dan exposed you to the raw comunications of the famly. Yes, we thought he was over the age when you have to preface what you say with, “don’t tell this to anyone outside teh family.” Families like to speak uncensored with each other because they feel secure that what they say will remain in the hosue. This allows a certain type of cognition to take place. Let’s say we’re talking aobut Nuclear Weapons. Each of us may say things we don’t intend for people to hear outside of our family because the process of discussion changes each of our opiinions about the topic at hand. Now a fabricated example that has nothing to do with the opinions of any member of my family on nukes, and is for illustratrion purposes only. For example, I may say, “We should nuke all of our advesaries.” Then Dan may say, “No, No, we should only nuke countries starting with the letter A.” and so on and so forth. After hearing Da and others I may have an entirely different opinion. Or, as my mother and I like to do, I may have said that simply because it was so provocative to say, but I don’t really mean it at all. So for Dan to tell soemone that I think we should noke everyone is wrong. Yeah, a weird exmaple, but he was totally violating lawyer-client priviledge. Hew ould go to my mom saying, Ashley hurt me, but then repeat things she said to comfort him to her. Not good!
But those things aside, did you really do much to EARN their love? That’s right, only your family is “obligated” to love you. When I first wanted to visit Danielle’s aparents when we started dating, they refused, saying that our relationship was just a blink – not worth meeting over. (Not in those words, but with that sentiment) Over time I showed them how much I cared for them. For example, I used my God-given computer and networking expertise to set up a wireless network in their hosue. I helped her Aunt with ehr digital camera. I carried groceries with them. I asked them about their past and I brought them gifts when I visited. All of this I did with sincerity. I didn’t do it thinking, “haha, after I go fishing with the old man, he’ll be putty in my hands.” I love Danielle and, by extension, loved her family.
Let us examine what you, Ashely, did. Whenever you would come over you didn’t do stuff with the familhy, you and Daniel withdrew to his room where you talked or w/e and isolated yourselves. Did Danny tell you to do this, isntead of participating in family activities? Well, you should have corrected him, if you loved him. Danielle does not love my family more than I do, but she is always saying, “we should buy your parents a larger gift,” or “you should go help your Dad with the lawn.” Do you see the differnce? Love means giving up your selfish activities. Another example, although you finally changed in 2005, you never washed your dishes after having dinner at my parents’ house. And, the BS excuse of, “I tried it once and they told me I didn’t have to,” is truly BS. At your age, you should know the game we play called MANNERS. You offer to do something nice and the other person tells you that you don’t have to. You are SUPPOSED to do it anyway! When I pay for dinner when I eat with my parents we sometimes have to literally play tug-of-war with the receipt, this is how life works! You don’t just let the other person take the check. In the end, sometimes my mom lets me “win” and sometimes I let her”win”. The point is not to keep score, but to genuinely express an intent to cover the bill and not make the person feel used.
And what kind of spoiled behavior was leaving before Slope Day? After Daniel had been looking forward to celebrating it with you for months! He had bought you an attendance ticket for Slope Dady. And over one stupid arguement you left/ That’s when I knew things there in trouble. Danielle and I are no strangers to arguements. We usually have at LEAST two good ones a month. But she NEVERleft the apartment. When she was visiting in Flordia, she NEVER flew back home. When I was in NY, I never flew back home. That’s just messed up!
When you do these things that hurt a member of our family, how did you think we’d feel? You’re quick to call others selfish, but what about you? That’s right, you are! Because only a selfish person doesn’t see the hrut they inflict. Sure, it’s one thing to say “I’m Sorry” from back in Flordia, but shouldn’t have left in the first oplace. How does that make you look?
I found out this weekend that my grandmother never liked you. And you know what/ My family ISN’T hard on girlfriends. Look at Daniela. Everyone in my family loves her. SHe is nice, caring, and no one has ever said anything bad about her. LEt you think it’s because she’s latina, my grandmother loved an Italian girl I dated in high school. Tiffany and I trimmed my grandmother’s tree when everyone lese in the extended family said, “if grandma said she doesn’t want a tree, then she doesn’t want a tree.” That was when I was 16 years old. Even though I broke up with her shortly thereafter, until I met Danielle and the familyh realized I was serious, my grandmotehr would always ask me, “Waht ever happened to that cute little Italian girl?” And, I know because she told me shortly before she died, she loved Danielle because she saw how good Danielle was to me and how good she was to my mother. So you can generalize and say that my family is mean to girlfirends, but frankly, I see only one that has garnered problems.
Finally, before I address the contents of your blog post, I truly resent any attacks against me. I was truly your only ally in all of this ( other than Danny, of course). I never once said a bad thing to Daniel. Whenver people would rip into you, Ashely, at the house, I would tell people to chill. When they questioned if Danny was happy, I assured them that he was. I ALWAYS picked you up from the airport and dropped you off, even if it meant waking up early on a Saturday or Sunday. I could have let you take a cab at $24 round trip (mayb emroe for all those bags you packed). But I would pick you up each time. I always told Danny that you were welcome to eat at our apartment. Waht more did you want from me? I don’t knowhow your family treats you, if they put rose petals in your path as you walk, but I’m sorry – I have dignitiy and I think I did everything any human could be expected to do and DEMAND the utmost respect.
Yes, as time wore on and you did these things, I increasingly felt that you and Daniel were NOT a match, but I held my tongue. I told everyone that I thought perhaps things weren’t working, bu t that it was Daniel’s decision. IF Dan was happy, who was I to say anhything? I didn’t have to spend every waking hour with you. I was find being around you for dinners and BBQs and stuff.
I’m so mad I can’t even write a response to your blog right now!
Forgive me Lord for the terror I have unleashed with the gift of writing you have given me. Forgive me for being mean to others. As you were a man yourself, I’m sure you know the feelings I have inside and why I could not let this go. It is not the right thing to do, but “I’m just a man” as the Supertones song says.