When Ashley left comments on my AIM like “lies may be ok in your family, but mine,” and “Your family can be really hard on girlfriends,” Danielle asked me if I was goign to mount a response. I told her I would not. Although I disagreed with Ashley’s contentions, I told Danielle, “I feel that no good can come of starting a flame war. It would only bring more negativity to the universe.” Yes, although you dno’t hear too many Christians speaking like that, I feel that I feel that the beliefs expounded by the practitioners of transcendental meditation do not clash with what Jesus taught with respect to “turning the other cheek and giving a man your shirt if he asked for your jacket.” I do not like to yell or be proface with the peole who are always calling my house soliciting money even though they annoy me to no end. I do not believe that we should have attacked Iraq just because Saddam was a jerk. However, there comes a point in one’s life when an affront is so hostile that, like the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, one has to put his pacifistic, philosophic point of view aside and press teh button. That’s right, the glvoes are off and the napalm is on its way. What triggered this change of heart? This attack on my family. Like the Cubans of the 1800s or the pre-WW2 Japanese, I cannot tolerate an attack upon my family’s honor.
To begin with, lies are not ok in my family. But, form the limited information I have been provided with from Ashley or Daniel, these lies were the inevitable result of stupid questions. For exampo,e Miss High-and-Mighty, have you NEVER lied when someone you cared about asked if they look good? If you mother was fat, would you tell her that to her face? I highly doubt that! Again, all I have to work with is the lmiited information you have given me, but it seems to me that the lies had to do with questions about Daniel’s past, questiosn that are the canonical examples of what not to ask your boyfriend. You never ask your boyfriend or girlfriend what they did in the past. It is inevitable that they will lie in order to protect you, whom they care about, and the honor of teh girl they were with previously. Ashley clames she was a girl and he was a man in her poem, more like she was naive! Coudl you resonably expect an 18 year old MALE not to have done things with girls? Sheeh, we were some of the least promiscuous men I have ever known and even we did quite a bit.
But, I will stop talking about things I have incomplete information about. Frankly, since no one has told me what the lies were about, I cannot comment further. However, it seems to me that he did not cheat on YOU and lie about it. It was another girl and another relationtship. Anyway, on to the other thing in my AIM message that morning before moving on to the blog post.
Yes, a family can be hard on girlfriends, but so what? If you can’t take the heat, get out of teh kitchen! You are either extremely naive or full of crap if you claim that your family did not talk about Danile. EVERY parent wants an unrealistic ideal for their children. My parents love Danielle, but there are thigns they wish were different about her. I’m sure of it because my parents LVOE ME and want me to have the BEST life. So of course they will not treat you like the princess you wish you were.
Really, the problem here is that Dan exposed you to the raw comunications of the famly. Yes, we thought he was over the age when you have to preface what you say with, “don’t tell this to anyone outside teh family.” Families like to speak uncensored with each other because they feel secure that what they say will remain in the hosue. This allows a certain type of cognition to take place. Let’s say we’re talking aobut Nuclear Weapons. Each of us may say things we don’t intend for people to hear outside of our family because the process of discussion changes each of our opiinions about the topic at hand. Now a fabricated example that has nothing to do with the opinions of any member of my family on nukes, and is for illustratrion purposes only. For example, I may say, “We should nuke all of our advesaries.” Then Dan may say, “No, No, we should only nuke countries starting with the letter A.” and so on and so forth. After hearing Da and others I may have an entirely different opinion. Or, as my mother and I like to do, I may have said that simply because it was so provocative to say, but I don’t really mean it at all. So for Dan to tell soemone that I think we should noke everyone is wrong. Yeah, a weird exmaple, but he was totally violating lawyer-client priviledge. Hew ould go to my mom saying, Ashley hurt me, but then repeat things she said to comfort him to her. Not good!
But those things aside, did you really do much to EARN their love? That’s right, only your family is “obligated” to love you. When I first wanted to visit Danielle’s aparents when we started dating, they refused, saying that our relationship was just a blink – not worth meeting over. (Not in those words, but with that sentiment) Over time I showed them how much I cared for them. For example, I used my God-given computer and networking expertise to set up a wireless network in their hosue. I helped her Aunt with ehr digital camera. I carried groceries with them. I asked them about their past and I brought them gifts when I visited. All of this I did with sincerity. I didn’t do it thinking, “haha, after I go fishing with the old man, he’ll be putty in my hands.” I love Danielle and, by extension, loved her family.
Let us examine what you, Ashely, did. Whenever you would come over you didn’t do stuff with the familhy, you and Daniel withdrew to his room where you talked or w/e and isolated yourselves. Did Danny tell you to do this, isntead of participating in family activities? Well, you should have corrected him, if you loved him. Danielle does not love my family more than I do, but she is always saying, “we should buy your parents a larger gift,” or “you should go help your Dad with the lawn.” Do you see the differnce? Love means giving up your selfish activities. Another example, although you finally changed in 2005, you never washed your dishes after having dinner at my parents’ house. And, the BS excuse of, “I tried it once and they told me I didn’t have to,” is truly BS. At your age, you should know the game we play called MANNERS. You offer to do something nice and the other person tells you that you don’t have to. You are SUPPOSED to do it anyway! When I pay for dinner when I eat with my parents we sometimes have to literally play tug-of-war with the receipt, this is how life works! You don’t just let the other person take the check. In the end, sometimes my mom lets me “win” and sometimes I let her”win”. The point is not to keep score, but to genuinely express an intent to cover the bill and not make the person feel used.
And what kind of spoiled behavior was leaving before Slope Day? After Daniel had been looking forward to celebrating it with you for months! He had bought you an attendance ticket for Slope Dady. And over one stupid arguement you left/ That’s when I knew things there in trouble. Danielle and I are no strangers to arguements. We usually have at LEAST two good ones a month. But she NEVERleft the apartment. When she was visiting in Flordia, she NEVER flew back home. When I was in NY, I never flew back home. That’s just messed up!
When you do these things that hurt a member of our family, how did you think we’d feel? You’re quick to call others selfish, but what about you? That’s right, you are! Because only a selfish person doesn’t see the hrut they inflict. Sure, it’s one thing to say “I’m Sorry” from back in Flordia, but shouldn’t have left in the first oplace. How does that make you look?
I found out this weekend that my grandmother never liked you. And you know what/ My family ISN’T hard on girlfriends. Look at Daniela. Everyone in my family loves her. SHe is nice, caring, and no one has ever said anything bad about her. LEt you think it’s because she’s latina, my grandmother loved an Italian girl I dated in high school. Tiffany and I trimmed my grandmother’s tree when everyone lese in the extended family said, “if grandma said she doesn’t want a tree, then she doesn’t want a tree.” That was when I was 16 years old. Even though I broke up with her shortly thereafter, until I met Danielle and the familyh realized I was serious, my grandmotehr would always ask me, “Waht ever happened to that cute little Italian girl?” And, I know because she told me shortly before she died, she loved Danielle because she saw how good Danielle was to me and how good she was to my mother. So you can generalize and say that my family is mean to girlfirends, but frankly, I see only one that has garnered problems.
Finally, before I address the contents of your blog post, I truly resent any attacks against me. I was truly your only ally in all of this ( other than Danny, of course). I never once said a bad thing to Daniel. Whenver people would rip into you, Ashely, at the house, I would tell people to chill. When they questioned if Danny was happy, I assured them that he was. I ALWAYS picked you up from the airport and dropped you off, even if it meant waking up early on a Saturday or Sunday. I could have let you take a cab at $24 round trip (mayb emroe for all those bags you packed). But I would pick you up each time. I always told Danny that you were welcome to eat at our apartment. Waht more did you want from me? I don’t knowhow your family treats you, if they put rose petals in your path as you walk, but I’m sorry – I have dignitiy and I think I did everything any human could be expected to do and DEMAND the utmost respect.
Yes, as time wore on and you did these things, I increasingly felt that you and Daniel were NOT a match, but I held my tongue. I told everyone that I thought perhaps things weren’t working, bu t that it was Daniel’s decision. IF Dan was happy, who was I to say anhything? I didn’t have to spend every waking hour with you. I was find being around you for dinners and BBQs and stuff.
I’m so mad I can’t even write a response to your blog right now!
Forgive me Lord for the terror I have unleashed with the gift of writing you have given me. Forgive me for being mean to others. As you were a man yourself, I’m sure you know the feelings I have inside and why I could not let this go. It is not the right thing to do, but “I’m just a man” as the Supertones song says.
2 responses to “Pardon this Tangent from Linux, Politics and Philosophy”
I would like to respond to this chain of events, and say my feelings, but unlike Eric, I do know Ashley more than he does, and I can’t hold my tongue as well as he. I traditionally keep a cool temper, but when I blow, I’m also worried about what damage I may cause. So for now, I will try to keep my lid on. But I assure you Ashley, it is not this family that is automatically cruel towards girlfriends, or friends, or extended friends; it was all personal and solely directed towards you
Dear Miss Drama Queen,
I don’t think I have ever met someone as naïve and clueless as you are. When you date someone and meet his/her family of course they’re going to talk about you and say negative things about you. Anyone who loves their children and want the best for them, ESPECIALLY Dan’s mother, will question the person they’re with. I didn’t have to read your post to know that Eric’s family talked about me. DUH!!!!! I’m sure there are tons of things that they don’t like about me, what I do/did, or what I think, and still til this day they don’t like. But I know this much, they learned to love me. (And no, I don’t think their love for me is fake). Why?? Was it luck? Did I kiss their ass? Did I “try” to impress them? Hell no! I treated them as I do with my family. I know Eric loves his family and I love Eric very much so to show how much I love Eric, I treated them as if they were my own. It was a self-less act. I don’t know how things are in your house but when I was living with my parents we had to help around the house. I had to do laundry, make dinners sometimes, look after my brother and sister, do the dishes, etc. And that’s why I do the things I do in Eric’s parents’ house. Not because I “want” them to love me and pretend to be a lil good girl and impress them and later on screw them over and treat them like shit. But because they’re Eric’s parents, he loves them, and to show how much I love him, I treat his parents just as mine. Not to mention, I’m not gonna sit on my ass while his mother is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc. That’s just ridiculous. They see how I take care of Eric and how happy I make him, and with that, it makes them happy. And also, by just doing the little things in the house it does show that I do care for them.
Basically, I’m just really upset that you called Eric’s mother manipulative and selfish because those traits are the least things she is. How dare you!!! You have no idea what you’re talking about. And I am not saying all these to pretend to be the good daughter-in-law cause I’m married to Eric. If she really is those things you think I’ll still visit them all the time, why I send them b-day gifts, why I ask how they’re doing, why I flew down to FL for their grandmother’s funeral. I could just be like “hellz no Eric, I’m not gonna go to FL to spend 10 days with them for Christmas, we’re going to my house.” “You’re parents are crazy, I don’t like your mother.” I mean, it’s so damn easy now especially since we’re married and all the way up in MD. I can just make an excuse and say “sorry Eric, I can’t take time off work, so we need to be here for Christmas.” It’s pretty fucking easy not to visit his parents. But I do because I love them. And because they’re my family too, you really fucked up by saying all this smack about them. And yes, I’m the type of person to say profane things unlike Eric. Maybe some of this will do you good since you’re so fucking naïve and a liar yourself.
Yes Eric’s mom is so damn selfish and manipulative that she’s ok with Eric living in MD. She could’ve easily convinced him to find a bootleg job in FL and live near her so he can suck on her tits like a baby because she “yearns for ppl to need her”. She could of told him if you don’t live in FL near me, you don’t love me. Did she?? NO! She wants the best for her children and that’s why he’s here in MD. She could of told him, “No you’re not going ALL the way to Cornell where I have to pay big money where you can go to UF for free.” Did she?? NO???
For our wedding, you have no idea what the shit she went through to make it so beautiful. She was least selfish. What kind of a person tries so hard to make her daughter-in-law happy?? A good person, that’s who. She constantly asked me what I wanted for the cake, decorations, colors, flowers, limo, the WHOLE SHEBANG!!! She could’ve easily picked what she liked and give a fuck what I wanted. “Since I’m paying for this wedding, I’m gonna pick what I want” is something a selfish person would say. She didn’t do any of that. She was constantly worried with what I wanted or if I didn’t like it. She was so nervous that I would of hated the cake, the flowers, etc. All she wanted to do was please me. So I have no idea where you get the idea that she’s self-ish. Not to mention she bought your plane ticket to NYC! She could’ve made you pay for it!!!! And about the whole hotel thing in NY, of course we were worried about his parents. Eric’s dad, uncle, and mom has asthma. We’re not gonna have them stay at a hotel where you could barely breathe.
I don’t know where the hell you get the idea that they’re hard and difficult on gfs. When I first dated Eric I was petrified of meeting his family and all (like any other person), especially the mother. But when I did, she was so cool. She made my first stay with them so easy and comfortable. AND NEVER ONCE WAS SHE OBESSIVE WITH US. She let us be, so again, you’re wrong. She never interfered with our relationship. And don’t think it’s because Eric and I were together at Cornell. Again she could of interfered! She could of told her all this shit about me and why we shouldn’t be together. Why the fuck did she fly me down to FL during Christmas break my senior year. If she didn’t like me, she would of praised God she didn’t have to deal with me and have her son all to herself for a month. BUT NO! She called me up at Cornell and asked me if it was ok if I can come to FL for Christmas. And don’t even think she did that to try and impress her son. Like Eric said in his post, his previous gfs, Dan’s previous gfs (before you), and Dav’s gf have no problems with his family. So who really is the wack ass person with issues???
And another thing, you were the one who broke it off with Dan for whatever reason. So why in the world are you trying to start shit? I could understand if Dan broke up with you and said “my family doesn’t like you, blah blah blah.”
To Danny, breakups are hard for everyone. But I feel that Ashley really crossed the line with all the stuff she said about your family, especially your mom. She’s spreading vicious lies that are totally untrue just because she’s pissed. I wouldn’t have wasted my time with this, but I wanted everyone to know the other side of things and that it’s not hard to be part of this family. I don’t think I could of wished for a better family than yours, well maybe really, really, really rich (joking). I love them very much and love you just as my other siblings. If I hurt you for saying all these things about Ashley, well I never meant to hurt you.