Computer Geek Humor

As I was browsing around /usr/share/emacs/21.4/etc/ looking for the emacs manual in order to look for the command to launch the doctor and I found the following. It’ll be funniest if you’re used to Unix man pages. Here it is, the man page for condom.

CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer’s Manual CONDOM(1)

condom – Protection against viruses and prevention of child

condom [options] [processid]

_condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of
such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious
users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed
to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious

o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonorrhea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem

When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1),
foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a
child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other
process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child
process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1),
sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user’s login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional
‘processid’ argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_
will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy
disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

The following options may be given to _condom_…

-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows…

trojan (default)

-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are…

latex (default)
membrane — WARNING! The membrane option is _not_
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses. It is
supported only for the sake of tradition.

-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported…

plain (default)

-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying
the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to
_condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger
value of STRENGTH increases _condom_’s protective
abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.
A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess
communication, but also increases the likelihood of a
security breach. An extremely vigorous process or
one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_
will increase the chance of _condom_’s failure. The
default STRENGTH is 80%.

-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are…

rough (default)
lubricated (provides smoother interaction between

WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in
order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease _condom_’s strength factor! If execution
speed is important to your process, use the ‘-t lubricated’ option.

_condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes…

-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to
the synchronous process).

1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The
danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child
process is inversely proportional to the number of other
protections employed and is directly proportional to
the ages of the processes involved.

_condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
Remember… the use of sex(1) and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must
use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your
synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the
spread of STVs.

The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times
and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern
technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more
The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at
the University of Washington ( and was last
updated on 10/7/92.

celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and

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