Two Jokes By Alvarez Guedes

He is one of my favorite comedians so I have translated two of his jokes for you today. Enjoy!

A woman walks into a pet store and tells the man at the counter, “I would like to buy your canary which sings most beautifully.”

So the man at the counter comes back with a bird and tells her, “this bird sings more beautifully than any other canary. It sings so beautifully that I cannot sell it for less than $1500.” She thought this was a lot, but for a bird that sang that well, she was willing to pay the price.

A week later the woman returns, angry. “You were very dishonest with me!” She tells the shop keeper, “I paid a lot of money for that bird and it only has one leg!”

To which the shop keeper replied, “Make up your mind woman, do you want it to sing or dance?”

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A man was on his deathbed and called for his best friend to come to see him before he died. His voice was very hoarse and his friend had to strain to hear him as he began, “You have been my friend ever since we were little kids. But now I am on my deathbed and I have a confession to make. You see, I have done a lot of bad things to you. I was the one who told the boss that you were a drug dealer so he would fire you, because I wanted your position. And I must tell you another thing. I was the one who told your wife that you were cheating on her so she would leave you because I was in love with her. And after she left you - I want you to know this - after she left you I was going out with her for two years. And I must also tell you-”

And his friend said, “You don’t have to tell me anything else because I know it all! That’s why I poisoned you, you son of a whore!”