Married != Sexless

“Oh, you’re getting married? I guess your sex life is over” HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK. It’s hilarious. Oh, wait, no it’s a hackneyed joke that’s more or less run its course. First of all, it doesn’t make sense for the segment of the population that waits for marriage for sex. Their sex life is just beginning. Second, it’s not really true. A marriage is just like any other relationship - it’s easy to take for granted, but it needs work to be maintained, much less to grow. That means satisfying each other’s needs: mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, and sexual. Given that I had a daughter, it should not be a surprise to anyone (although I know you’d prefer not to have it forefront in your mind), that Danielle and I have sex. And Scarlett was born after we were married so … yeah. That’s why I was pretty annoyed by the last paragraph of what was otherwise a pretty neat article about someone’s experience being in an open marriage and how it’s not the evil thing most people assume it is:

I met my husband when I was 22. If I felt at the time that I would have to spend the rest of my life having sex with him and only him, I wouldn’t have married him. I would’ve gone out into the world and gallivanted around until I felt like all the sex was out of my system, and I would’ve missed out on sharing my life with the best human being on planet Earth. But in our relationship, we don’t have to get anything out of our systems. Our sex drives are allowed to stick around, to accompany us throughout life, to remain a part of our individual personalities as well as our relationship as a couple. So in that way, I guess we are on fire. But please, don’t assume that we need to be doused.

I really resent the idea of getting all the sex out of your system before marriage. That’s ridiculous. Now, if her point is that she just wanted to be able to know what it’s like to be with more than one man (or woman as the case may be), then I can understand. But that’s not what she said. She says her “sex drives are allowed to stick around” as if we married people don’t have sex drives. Frankly, I don’t care how anyone lives their lives sexually - gay or straight, open or closed relationship - but, to me, not having the constant stress of needing to hook up with someone else is an awesome privilege of being married. Marriage is not limiting and doesn’t have to be as long as both partners are looking out for each other and making time to be intimate - whether that’s just snuggling for an hour or having sex. You don’t want people to make assumptions about your lifestyle; don’t make assumptions about theirs.

• Open-Marriage