Computer Geek Humor

As I was browsing around /usr/share/emacs/21.4/etc/ looking for the emacs manual in order to look for the command to launch the doctor and I found the following. It’ll be funniest if you’re used to Unix man pages. Here it is, the man page for condom.

CONDOM(1) EUNUCH Programmer’s Manual CONDOM(1)

NAME condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

SYNOPSIS condom [options] [processid]

DESCRIPTION _condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, _condom_ is the only highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to _condom_ by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). _condom_ is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions…

o AIDS o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) o Syphilis o Crabs o Genital warts o Gonorrhea o Chlamydia o Michelangelo o Jerusalem

When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_ has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information. If no options are given, the current user’s login process (as determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional ‘processid’ argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. NOTE: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk. _condom_ will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

OPTIONS The following options may be given to _condom_…

-b BRAND BRANDs are as follows…

trojan (default) ramses sheik goldcoin fourex

-m MATERIAL The valid MATERIALs are…

latex (default) saranwrap membrane – WARNING! The membrane option is _not_ endorsed by the System Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses. It is supported only for the sake of tradition.

-f FLAVOR The following FLAVORs are currently supported…

plain (default) apple banana cherry cinnamon licorice orange peppermint raspberry spearmint strawberry

-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

-s STRENGTH STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of _condom_ against data passed to _condom_ by the protected process. Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases _condom_’s protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ will increase the chance of _condom_’s failure. The default STRENGTH is 80%.

-t TEXTURE Valid TEXTUREs are…

rough (default) ribbed bumps lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)

WARNING: The use of an external application to _condom_ in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease _condom_’s strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process, use the ‘-t lubricated’ option.

DIAGNOSTICS _condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes…

-1 An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

0 _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process).

1 _condom_ failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.

BUGS _condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems. Remember… the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ _condom_ to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.

AUTHORS and HISTORY The original version of _condom_ was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern technology, _condom_ now supports many more options and is much more effective. The current release of _condom_ was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92.

SEE ALSO celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)